Perhaps you’ve gone to the bakery for bread but left empty-handed. Similarly, when you share your life story and feel ignored or embarrassed, it can leave you feeling hollow.
Getting support from others during tough times can be challenging. It’s not their fault; sometimes, your experiences are too heavy for them to understand. When they respond in a way that feels harsh, it can hurt more, like holding cold steel instead of being with someone warm and understanding. Maybe that’s why people say, “A dog is man’s best friend.”
In these moments, people often feel re-hurt, lonely, and spiritually wounded. We all have our own struggles in life, which can begin with our families, often without them realizing it. Some people try to make sense of their lives, while others might have to wait for another chance.
There’s much to learn about creating healthy relationships and coping skills. If we didn’t see these in our early lives, we might need to heal a lot. Some strong feelings in childhood can be overwhelming, leaving deep marks on our mental health. Others can impact our well-being and lead to automatic reactions. This is often called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Unhealthy Conditioning
Without healing, dealing with trauma can lead to more problems and unhealthy ways of coping, harming our relationships.
As children, we developed ways to handle pain—whether it was physical, emotional, social, or spiritual—that worked for us at the time. However, as adults, these learned responses can become automatic habits that aren’t helpful anymore. We often react quickly without thinking, which can create issues in our relationships.
These automatic reactions come from our childhood experiences and may be due to poor parenting or a lack of support. Unresolved issues from the past follow us into adulthood, making it difficult to manage trauma properly. This can cause us to unintentionally harm our relationships by repeating the same behaviors. For instance, if we learned to always care for others and neglect ourselves, we might ignore our own needs until we feel worn out. It’s crucial to take care of ourselves first before helping others, as this can prevent co-dependency or the habit of pleasing others at our own expense.
Many of us became good at recognizing what others wanted to survive in our families. However, this may not work as we grow older and can lead to strained relationships and health issues. Giving too much of ourselves or pushing our limits can leave us feeling tired, heartbroken, or used. This creates more trauma, making us feel stuck, unloved, unwanted, and alone. Sadly, this cycle can continue for many years.
Clearing blockages in body, heart and mind.
In Yoga, we know that the mind, body, and spirit are connected. If one part is not balanced, it can affect the others. Making wise choices, or discernment, is a skill that takes time to learn and often doesn’t come from a hurt inner child. It’s important to know whom to ask for help or what to do when things get tough, though this is often ignored. It’s hard to pause and act calmly without causing more hurt to ourselves or others. When trauma runs deep, it can be harder to think before we react out of fear or stress.
Without loving support during tough times like trauma or PTSD, we may feel alone. But how do we know that asking for help is an option? Will it make us feel worse? Will people judge us? Or will the support we get care for our inner pain?
Eventually, we might notice small moments of calm in the chaos. By thinking about our triggers—what makes us react—we can become more aware of our choices. Many with unresolved trauma might not realize they are experiencing a PTSD episode. They may resort to survival behaviors, like seeking comfort in food, shopping, screen time, alcohol, drugs, or gambling. This only gives temporary relief, followed by negative thoughts that can feel overwhelming.
My Personal Experiences
My trauma in the family started when I was 5 months old in the pre-verbal stage. (without mentioning what karma I came into this life with, or even the state of my mother and fathers mental health when in the womb). When this trigger of abandonment kicked in for me, I just thought it was normal. I decided at some stage there was no one there for me, I had to look after myself at all costs. I developed an addiction to being in survival mode and had no idea how to thrive.
My trauma made me very vulnerable in others eyes and as a child we can be a target for abuse. As I grew, I adopted the same ways to cope and hide my defects that screamed at me through the lining of my head. I believed these voices that were very intense, they were there to protect me but I knew no way to connect with me in a soft and loving form. I felt shame that I was not wanted and still do at times today.
I disconnect from others in order to feel safe as I find it difficult to even trust myself when those voices in my head are spewing their toxic shame all over me. I have spent a lifetime reaching out to unavailable people because I was used to doing that. I repeated the same childhood patterns. The ways I thought could bring closeness and intimacy always left me feeling like I had done something wrong and was better off alone.
And of course in these situations the critic in my head would join in and say yes there is something terribly wrong with you!. Trying to connect to others from the wounded place often left me feeling worse off and like I was dropped straight onto my coccyx rather than being held. This would send a vibration up and down my spine, throughout the whole nervous system.
I was hurting myself just by trying to connect to others and be intimate. Intimacy – “into me I see.” I wanted to share myself, let others close and have them share themselves. But not many people can meet in a place of trauma. The safest places I found this to happen was in therapy or at 12 step programs. Where people seek out others to connect deeply within a structured environment, time frame and based on traditions that were developed by people who could touch these inner most parts of themselves.
Through my own subconscious choices of not wanting to feel alone and connect with loved ones I was often left feeling battered and anxious. Just like I did as a small child. The same feelings I had experienced back then had followed me into new situations.
The vibration within was so familiar to me, I would seek out others who vibrated with their own trauma. Trauma is like Velcro. In those situations I felt safe, and I was able to function well and connect with others in a work place that was full of traumatised people.
On the outside, I was a high achiever yet the unsettled vibration was there and had been all my life and I perceived it as a normal state. I consciously chose to disassociate from others and myself. I was hyper vigilant on guard for what was going to go wrong next and I was running from myself. So I spent time fantasying about my next abandonment, or abuse that could happen. I figured if I could work out the worse case scenario then I would be prepared and not experience the shock of loss.
After the death of my dog, my first love, the only one who I felt truly wanted to be with me, a loyal companion.
The next death was my first son who died 36 hours after birth. Over thinking ruminating, obsessive thoughts to find out what is wrong buried my emotions into a deep cavern within my heart.
My mind, body, heart and soul longed and I was bleed as my heart cracked open. There is was standing in front of my life, it was all laid out before me. The experience deeply touched my abandonment wound I had received as a 5 month old baby. I was totally overcome with the hormonal, social, emotional, physical and spiritual implications.
I knew what had happened was really big and soon into this journey I realised this was an act of love if only for a very short life, he had come and left for a reason and I was prepared to dive into this and discover what it was I could get out of it. How could I integrate this experience into my life and not completely collapse.
Addictions or being out of balance in life can come in many forms such as:- love, excitement or fear, technology, eating, overspending, hoarding, over giving and time vagueness plus more. Travel, work / technology and survival are strong motivators. The repeated emotional injuries in child hood can create a hole in the soul.
Some people have no idea what love is yet they are desperately seeking it. Feeling unsafe when people get too close or too distant can surface at any time. Any love shown will soon trickle out of the god shaped hole in the soul. Left feeling empty, unlovable and alone. With no idea how to be soft and gentle towards self or others.
All of our life’s experiences are located in our mind, body, heart and soul. They can be seen on our face, felt in our organs, and show up in our body. Our issues are contained in our tissues. They affect our social interactions, energy level as well as our eating habits, self-care, responsibility and even our breathing. They become the very fabric of our existence and mould our beliefs and reactions.
Conscious breathing (pranayama) is totally underrated (possibly because it is free) and one of the best tools for anyone who isn’t living their life to their full potential. There are many paths to the top of the mountain with tools to help people to live in harmony, peace, serenity and contentment. Life is meant for more than just surviving. We can have and achieve personal visions and goals as opposed to merely surviving. Learn how to calm the vibration within and settle into a grounded place of stillness. Develop ways to connect with your inner child and teenager. Learn to love yourself by listening deeply to your heart and mind, yourself and develop discernment around others.
Create a loving and harmonious relationship with yourself. You will also learn what foods best suit your body and clear any channel blockages. Blockages in the channels of our body come from our lifestyle, diet and even our thoughts, we learn to recognise where they are and carefully listen to our body’s messages. Listen for the subtle tells of what your body needs at any given moment.
Also, we can develop a connection with a power that is greater than our frail and inconsistent determination. We have tried many times before, made new year’s resolutions, taken courses and joined self-help groups. But before we know it we are back again in that familiar dysfunctional groove repeating the same old survival strategies we learnt as a child. A lot of these strategies have kept us alive so far, but now they aren’t working if we want to thrive. Over and over we have repeated the same negative behaviours and remained in the same place, reliving our past traumas.
How can we find support, or strength to carve out a new path for ourselves? Fears begin to surface as we don’t know what the direction and the outcome looks like. We also need to surrender our ways to get there. An empty-handed leap into the void – requires trust and faith – or simply going one step at a time. But how to move in that direction when the voice inside, the ego wants to keep repeating the same old behaviours that bring about the same old outcome and drama?
It’s like trying to re-write the script. If you just make a few easy changes, maybe that will work out, but it never does. It’s not before too long that our lifestyle drags us back into the same recycling pattern. While recycling is good for the environment, doing it with old habits can be disastrous for ur mental health. They just take us back to the same old ways and leave us feeling less than we are; and hiding in isolation is never the right answer.
Disconnected and disassociated from
When experiencing a trauma response, individuals often feel disconnected from their bodies and lose trust in their ability to heal. The eight limbs of Yoga, alongside Ayurvedic principles, offer a way to reconnect with oneself by promoting small lifestyle changes. Humility is crucial in recognizing that healing often requires guidance from others.
Ayurveda emphasizes the importance of understanding the five elements and how our dietary choices impact our overall health. Imbalances in these elements can lead to physical and emotional ailments.
Yoga and Ayurveda empower individuals to become their best healers by recognizing bodily signals early on to prevent illness. Modern distractions may drain our vitality, making it essential to prioritize connection with nature and breath.
Lack of balanced health impacts mental clarity and energy levels, ultimately affecting relationships and overall quality of life. Embracing Yoga, Ayurveda, and personal recovery can lead to significant life changes, fostering independence and the ability to support others. This holistic approach embodies a path to natural health and well-being.
